With each passing day I feel a bit more broken inside. I'm depressed, tired and just struggling to hold onto hope that it will get better. I'm struggling emotionally, physically and financially (regarding my mother). I'd toss in spiritually too because even that isn't sustaining me.
In reality, I still see the sun trying to breakthrough all the darkness. I'm also blessed because we can still maintain the day-to-day at home. We have shelter, food for our table, means to educate our child and survive this pandemic.
It's just my mother is missing from our daily lives. She got to enjoy a granddaughter for too short of a time. She yearned to have a grandchild, but my journey in life took me to other places before a child came into our lives. The heath scares, the struggles with my dad's death, the heartache of infertility and not working hard enough to have a child of our own, nearly stopped that dream. And now that we have a little girl in our lives, the one person I wanted to share that with is gone.
I miss my mom. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. The house feels empty without her. I don't think she will ever come home and that breaks my heart. The last few months with her got progressively worse. If she had any dementia, we missed it. When she had mini-strokes, we missed it. I felt like I was doing everything and not enough for her at one time. We didn't have the best relationship most of my life, but somehow we mended the broken parts of our relationship, time started to heal some of the wounds of the past and we became friends. Then as she was ailing, it felt like everything turned on a dime and we were back in the old days. The anger, resentment and pain reemerged and I felt like that broken, hurt 16-year-old again. I loved her then and I love her now. I couldn't reach her as a kid and I can't reach her now.
Two months, give or take a day or two, have gone by since I said goodbye to her. Seeing her get into the van to go to the nursing facility was probably the hardest day in my life. Because of COVID I was alone; David and Lily were at home and I felt so guilty sending her off. I think that day she had a moment of clarity. But she had to go through it all alone.
She is still alone. I don't know how she is really. Communication with the nursing staff is spotty at best. I live the days with the "no news is good news" approach because I rarely get through to a nurse for an update. Maybe I don't try enough, but after days upon days of calling and not talking to someone, I feel like it's futile.I haven't been able to see her. I talked to her once and she was lost in a world of memories. I didn't dare shatter her illusions. Another day I called, she told me she never wanted to talk to me again. I don't know if that was a moment of lucidity or just another confused state. That was the last day I talked to her and only get updates from the staff and it's not enough for my own comfort. I don't know if they are kind to her, if she's getting enough or proper care or even the goodies I send to her. Again, I assume no news is good news.
I'm just gutted inside. I want to make everything ok. I don't want her last days spent in a nursing home, lost inside her head, but it seems like she's not complaining of much RA pain or from any of the other conditions, which so cruelly made life miserable and lonely for her. Maybe the dementia or confusion is a blessing in disguise. It's so unfucking fair that this is where we are now.
I need to now find a way to sell her house so that we have some funds for the near future. She can stay there another couple of months before we need to make a decision about what is next.
The last two nights I've had little sleep. Sunday night I was sick with an upset stomach and last night I was up with Lily because she had a bad dream. Writing, which used to be my salvation and passion, has ceased. I struggled to write these few entries.
Most of my passions have dried up, though I've had some of the best years in my life. My creativity, energy and desire have dimmed even more because of this pandemic.
At this point in my life, I need to find a way to move forward and find a way back to living my life instead of just drifting by.
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