How Do You Sum Up A Person's Life?

 I'm not quite sure of the actual line from "RENT" but it's an honest question. How do you sum up a person's life. That is my task now. My mom died on June 22 about 8:30 p.m. I knew it was coming. I've cried. I'm sad. I feel cheated and robbed of the last year of her life. I feel guilty for not being there for her in this last 13 months. I feel like I didn't see her enough, do enough and none of it mattered. She is gone. 

I feel like I lost year that day in May when they picked her up from the hospital and took her to nursing care.  I honestly thought she'd be gone three weeks and then home again, but it was obvious that she needed more care than I could give her. I think in the last 13 months, she was cared for and ok. I don't really like to think about how alone she felt, how confused and angry she was. The isolation and lockdowns thanks to COVID took quite a toll on her. She was alone for so long. When we could visit in the beginning, it was via window, phone or FaceTime. Her eyesight was depleted because of Macular Degeneration,  and her hearing was getting poor so she couldn't really visit like that. In-person visits were a lifeline, but it was clear the dementia was getting worse. For awhile, she knew me and we could have conversations about anything she wanted. I'd listen to her, I'd go along with her stories and just tell her I loved her. 

A few family members visited her, many called me to ask about her and my cousins have been very supportive now that she's gone. I am grateful for that. 

She saw Lily two times and that made her day. Lily really never got a chance to know my mom, her grandma. My mom was so excited to have a grandchild, but their time together was short. I think in the end, Lily became used to having her around and my mom thought of her as her little helper. I hope as Lily gets old, she remembers these days fondly. Lily showed her compassion and love. I'm proud of that. 

But now she's gone. I think everyone who needs to know has been notified. Arrangements have been made, but there is still so much to do. I feel like I'm waking up from a five-year exhaustion, yet I also feel unsettled. Services are in two weeks. Thank you COVID for the gift that keeps on giving. The National Cemetery is so backed up, we had to wait over two weeks to get a time for burial. It's frustrating. I'm just waiting for closure. And then everything else that will come after that. 

Holding it together is the best that I can hope for at this point. I've snapped at one relative. I am not sorry, not embarrassed. Maybe I feel a little badly, but I was so annoyed that I had to let it out. Sigh... the hard part is still yet to come.